WHAT is that SMELL?!?!

Last night, Wayne and I went into Jack's room to help him pick up before bed. 

(Yes, he's almost 5 and should do it on his own but we're slacker parents and haven't cracked down yet.  Don't be so judgy.) 

Anyway - walking in, we smelled a distinctive "potty" odor.  Assuming the dog had pooped, we picked up everything and couldn't find the source of the smell.  By the time I was done spraying Vanilla Lysol, you couldn't smell anything malodorous.  We assumed it must have been a passing whiff of little boy fart or something. 

This afternoon, the smell was back with a vengeance.  I could NOT find the source.  On the way home from dinner, Wayne and I were discussing it...

Me: When we get home, we need to go through his room and try to find the source. 
Wayne: Ugh.  What do you think it is?
Me: I have no idea.  Maybe we should just change his sheets?
Jack: Oh.  It's probably because I peed in the trash can.
Both parents: WHAT?! YOU DID WHAT?!  WHEN?!
Jack: I don't know.  I was on top of my bed [a loft bed] and peed down into the trash can.  It looked so cool.
[Wayne and I attempt to hide our laughter - because while thoroughly disgusting and inappropriate, the image of him doing it is kind of funny and it's HIlarious that he thinks it's "cool."]
Me: Jack - you cannot pee into the trash can.  That is disgusting.  You only pee in the toilet.
Wayne: [something similar to what I said]
... and so on...

We get home and it is, in fact, the peed in trash can from MONDAY that smells so bad.  It didn't help matters that he'd apparently had a little accident and put undies with a little poop on them in the trash.  FAAAANtastic.  Really.  Parenting.  Funny, yet gross. 

Say Wha?! Wednesday

I'm trying to be better about writing down the funny things but there are so many and we're usually in the middle of something.  It's like when your kid does the thing that could win you the grand prize on AFV and you NEVER have the camera on!!!

Feel free to send me your kid's funniest lines and I'll post them here - if you have a blog, I'll link to you.  Email me at jendecker25@yahoo.com.  For now - here's what I got...

First Full Moon - June 2, 2011
At Ross, a mosquito bite on Jack's lower back itches.  It's right at the waistline of his basketball shorts.  He keeps pulling his pants lower to scratch it and I keep telling him he can't show his naked booty in public.  He finally gets completely bored with shopping, pulls his pants completely down in the back, wags his butt at me and says, "Nah nah, nah, nah nah!!

Random (and I'm not pregnant)
Jack: If we have a baby boy, I want to name him Yoda Glock Decker.
Really?  Is that what you think will happen?  You've been spending too much alone time with Daddy.  I got tricked into naming you after Jack Bauer of 24... there's no way I'm going with Star Wars AND a gun.  

Getting in trouble for not getting dressed:
Jack: You're not being nice.  Is not being nice like your job or somethin'?
Me: You are not allowed to speak to me that way.  Go sit in time out.  That was very rude.
Jack: You're very rude!!!
I'm sorry... when exactly did 4 year olds develop the language and attitude of teenagers?!

Driving...
Jack: So, Mom... you're gonna have to tell me what all the controls in your car do before you give it to me.  Cuz I'll be all like, "Eh, I think I need to use OnStar."
He's a planner!!!

Washing machine is off balance, knocking around.  Jack jumps up and says:
The washing machine is coming ALIVE!!   
He did not appear frightened... 

I asked if Jack wanted to go to our church's monthly playdate:
Jack: Mom!  I had a playdate already this morning.  Two is too much for one day.
Whew!  Good thing he's keeping me in check!  We'd be gettin' wild up in here!

Say Wha?! Wednesday

As Wayne and I are leaving to do some target practice:
Me: Bye, Jack!  Love you!
Jack: Yeah.  Shoot a cactus for me, Ma! (mimes shooting)

At bedtime:
Jack: You're getting cranky.
Me: I know.  That's why I need to go to bed.  So go to bed so I can.

Eating ice cream in Tombstone:
Jack: If this was Sugar Town, I'd go in every place I see.

Random:
Me: Jack?  Do you think mommy's a good drive?
Jack: Yeah.  But dad's the BEST driver ever.
*Wayne was not with us.  

In the bathroom...
Jack: Hey, Dad!  Did you hear that loud fart? I will ALWAYS think that fart is funny.... It's HILARIOUS!!!

Discussing why we don't eat many processed foods: 
Me: What do chemicals do to you?
Jack: They can make you sick sometimes, or they can KILL you... But you always come back to life.
Me: Oh?  When?
Jack: I don't know.  Maybe 90 years?

Driving away with Wayne... 
Jack: Really, Kel?!  Really?!?!
*We're still not really sure why he said that!!

Coming home from... somewhere... he tries to open the back door for the dog:
Jack: Damn it!
Me: What did you say?!?!
Jack: Darn it!  I said, "Darn it," Mom.
Me: Do not say damn it, Jack.  You know better.
Jack: Okaaaay.

While listening to Wayne and I talk about work:
Me (to Wayne): Well, that's just BS. 
Jack: What's BS?
Me: Ummm... (glancing at Wayne)... it means bullshit.  Which is a bad word. 
Jack: What does it mean? 
Me: It's kind of like a lie or when something is unfair.
Jack: Okay.  I'll just say bullship.
Me: Uh, no.  No, you won't. 
Jack: I'm saying bullSHIP.  Ship.  With a "puh" sound.
Me: You can't say that.  It sounds like the bad word. 
Jack: Well, what can I say? 
Me: Ummm... uhhhh...  (desperately looking at Wayne)...
Wayne: Baloney.  You can say baloney.

Oh, what a day...

So, last night I wanted to blog about how rotten my Jackalope has been of late.  Not to anyone else - just me and his dad.  Running away from us, telling us no, hiding and refusing to respond when we call him...  But I just couldn't bring myself to whine about something that is most likely due to something we're doing (or not doing).  After finally getting him to sleep last night, Wayne and I discussed possible reasons for his extreme behavior.  Given that he's no longer in preschool and we've been pretty busy lately, we're wondering if he's lacking attention and stimulation.  We planned to have Wayne take him on a special daddy-son day this afternoon and to re-address our concerns this weekend with more possible causes/solutions. 

In a less calm, rational way... I was beyond frustrated.  Yelling at him to try to get him to listen.  (Which I know doesn't work but I was having one of those days... weeks.)  I was at a loss as to what we could possibly do but knew we needed time to figure it out and caaaaallllmmmm doooowwwwnnnn. 

This morning, he did pretty well.  He got up and got dressed, ate his breakfast and we were on our way to my Bible study with little to no argument.  The lady in the nursery said he was perfectly behaved and helped pick up all the toys without being asked.  In the parking lot, he got a little nuts and was running around, playing in dirt and not listening.  My friend and I decided to take the boys to the park, then meet our husbands for lunch.  At the park, he was having a lot of fun, playing with his friends and climbing the rock wall.  Suddenly, as we said it was about time to round them up, we heard screaming.  I ran to the rock wall and found my baby rolling on the floor, screaming and holding his back.  He'd fallen from the top and/or middle (top according to him) and, we think, landed on his back/butt.  Jack will cry if something hurts but usually will go back to playing after a few minutes of cuddling.  He refused to be put down, whimpering, "It hurts.  It hurts.  I don't like this."  Completely heartbreaking to me.  Then, he said his butt hurt and his legs hurt.  That began the slightly panicked reel in my head - what if he'd seriously hurt his back?  And I moved him.  Should I not have moved him?  Should I put him in the car?  Will that hurt him more? 

On the way home, I called his pediatrician.  My thought was to ask if I should just take him home, give him ibuprofen and see how he felt in a little while.  His refusal to stand up and when I forced him to, his immediate curling and clutching at his stomach really scared me.  The nurse instructed me to take him to urgent care or the ER.  Urgent care seemed the better choice as the hospital in our little town tends to be slow and frustrating.  Wayne met us there and soon we saw the tech who told us to go to the ER.  (They refunded our co-pay and were soooo nice!!)  I was a little calmer but still didn't want to chance taking him home to wake up the next morning with him unable to walk because of swelling or something else we couldn't see.  He'd stopped crying but was still refusing to walk or stand and if I shifted him a certain way, he'd cry out. 

By the time we saw the triage guy at the ER (not too long, btw), Jack was feeling even better.  He crouched down to pick up a sticker and walked to the scale.  All VERY relieving but they still said it'd be best to get him completely checked... just in case.  At this point, Wayne and I were more relaxed and Jack wanted to play with the waiting room toys. 

And then all my insecurities and self-doubt and stupid "what other people think" crap crept back in... "Ugh.  I bet everyone thinks I'm such a super paranoid mom and I'm overreacting and making it worse.  They probably think I'm so stupid and over-emotional.  That I'm hyper-dramatic."  Luckily, a friend text me back and said, "You are protective of your baby!  You listen to your gut and when you think you need professional help, you get it for him.  Better that than not take him and be freaking out, I think."  Which made me remember - I am JACK'S mom.  No one else's.  And if I feel there's something worth looking at, then I am the only one who can make that decision.  So, if people want to criticize me, then let them.  I have to do what I think is best.  (BTW - no one said a single harsh thing to me.  All that negativity was in my own head.)  Maybe I tend to err on the side of caution and of protectiveness but he's such a miracle to me.  I was told I'd probably never have babies.  We're trying to have another one and it might not happen.  So, I'm not taking any chances.  I don't want him to be a wimp or unable to do things for himself, but I definitely want him to know if something needs done, Mom is there to make it happen.  To take care of him.  (Dad, too, btw.  Don't mean to leave him out!  LOL)

So, we get in to see the doctor and it takes no time at all for him to assess the Jackalope.  I was suprised and pleased at how thorough he was - he had him stand, sit, lie down, turn his head this way and that, stretch his arms up, grip his fingers... he listened to his belly and felt it... checked him all over for pain and bruising... checked his eyes, nose, mouth and ears.  And gave him a clean bill of health.  He said we were right to bring him in but that he's really, really good. 

Whew!!!   

Thank God!!!  And thank all my friends who prayed for us and kept us in their thoughts.  And talk about a reality check... as much as Jack can frustrate the ever-loving life out of me - he is the best thing that ever happened to either of us.  He is a miracle and a gift and a joy.  And we have had the best evening in a long time - reading, singing lullabies, joking, talking and just being together.  <3

Say Wha?! Wednesday

Gah!  It's been 5 weeks since the last post.  Needless to say... we've been a little busy!  Jack started karate, Wayne had 10 page papers to write, I got my yearly throat/sinus infection thing that means I get behind on everything...  But enough!  I'll blog (and post pics) of the karate stuff soon.  For now...  it's Say Wha?! Wednesday.  The blog committed to getting every funny thing my little weirdo says written in black and white for all eternity. 


Just finished dinner with Wayne, Jack and our friend Kel.  Kel and I were still sitting at the table, chatting, when Jack comes flying into the room and...
Me:  That is not okay!  Your dirty underwear almost landed in the pot roast!

Driving somewhere and listening to a comedy channel on XM...
Jack: Dad?  Your truck cracks me up.  It says funny things!

Randomly...
Jack: Mom?  I'm really tired of you telling me you love me all the time.

While visiting with Erin at our house...
E: Do you like your dog?
J: Yeah.  I LOVE her.
E: She's really sweet.
J: (holding up a finger and chewing, chewing, chewing...) And she's cute!

At the doctor's office...
Dr: Are you sick, Jack?
J: Nope.  I was kinda allergy-ee but now I have a sinus infection.
(*I think someone's been listening in on Mommy's phone conversations!!)

Random day at home...
J: I don't really like living in our house.
M: Why not?
J: Because!  I want more toys!
M: More toys?!
J: Yeah.  Like one and a half million toys.

Waiting in the Fry's parking lot while Wayne buys a small pumpkin for Jack's school project...
J: This is taking tooooo long!
M: What would you like me to do?
J: Go in there and give Dad a kick in the butt!

After getting swatted for opening a toy IN THE STORE... THAT I HAD NO INTENTION OF BUYING...
J: NO, MOM!  I already had a spanking today!

Random...
J: <sigh> I wish I had two moms.
M:  You do?!
J: Yeah.  I wish I had a stepmom.


Driving home at night...
J: Mom, do you know what kind of moon that is?
M: It's a crescent moon.
J: Yeah.  But it's empty.  Because when it's a circle, it's a full moon...  I think it's full of birds.

Say Wha?!?! Wednesday

Looking at stuff online with Wayne...
J: What? What are you talking about, Dad? You're just making stuff up, buddy!

Randomly, while Wayne and I were joking around:
J: Tone down!! Let's all put our tones down!!

Random...
J: Candy's better than even cheese!

To me, regarding a toy...
J: That's how it works, punk!

To Corgan...
J: It takes a long time to become a grown up.

To Wayne...
J: This is my yantern. Mom bought it. For me. It's MIIIIINE.

This child o' mine!!!

I love him. How could I not? But today... whew!! He has pushed ALLLLLL the buttons!!

Woke up this morning and thought, "Where is he?" Because, generally, he wakes me up before he even goes to the bathroom. Not for cuddles but for food. Haha! He did NOT wake me up this morning but I could hear him talking. So I venture into the kitchen to find him suspiciously dirty in the area of his mouth and shoving the following concoction into his snack bowl: cheesy chips, the cereal part of Lucky Charms (the marshmallows are already gone), red jelly candies (Willie Wonka makes them without red dye!), and bite sized 3 Musketeers and Milky Way candy bars.

"I'm making a breakfast SNACK!" he told me, quite giddily.

Now, the jelly candies were in a top cupboard, the chocolate was behind the vegetable holder on the counter, and the Lucky Charms? On top of the fridge! How did he reach that, you ask? By climbing onto the counter, standing up and pulling it down. When I looked up at the fridge in a reflex "How the heck did he do that?" action, I saw the Oreos balanced precariously on the edge. Which then explained the mysteriously dirty mouth and shirt. After removing the grossly junkie food from his snack bowl, I explained (oh so calmly and sweetly, of course) that those foods are for special treats and not for breakfast; that breakfast is the most important meal of the day so he needed to make it a healthy one. I offered him Cheerios with milk and cantaloupe. His response was to begin wailing and throw himself to the floor, screaming about how mean I am. And how I needed to be nice to him or something.

Memory intrusion... Only a year ago, this same riotously obnoxious child would be overjoyed at a breakfast of Cheerios in milk, cantaloupe and yogurt with a glass of watered down orange juice. Yes. Really. Or a scrambled egg with toast and fruit and a glass of milk.

Finally, he realized I wasn't giving in and settled himself down for his healthy breakfast. I turned on his shows and told him I had to take a shower so I wouldn't be late for Sunday school. It did not occur to me that he'd need further instruction as he has NEVER done what he next did...

I woke Wayne on my way through to take a shower and told him Jack was eating breakfast. Next thing I know, Wayne is in the bathroom, telling me that Jack went outside. Seriously. While Wayne was still dozing and I was showering, the new king of the castle decided he should go play in the backyard and without telling anyone anything, just... did it. Luckily, we have our bedroom window open at night now (yay desert climate!) so Wayne heard him out there.

Around 8:45, I emerge from the bedroom, dressed and looking for my make up (because keeping it in my bathroom is just illogical!). Wayne is throwing away all the ice cream because Jack, after having twice gotten into trouble this morning for just doing things, has decided to eat an ice cream cone. And not just eat it like it's no big deal. He snuck it. He crept into the kitchen when no one was looking to get it. Then he tried to eat it before we noticed. He was sneaking the last of it into his mouth when Wayne caught him.

Wayne's looking at military schools now. Anyone know if they take 4 year olds?